Daily Golden Girls: 08/06/12

Blanche: You know, Sophia, this birthday thing kinda has me depressed as well. You think you could help me, too?
Sophia: Sure. No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: You're old, you sag, get over it.
Blanche: Sophia!
Sophia: So what if you knew Jesus personally? Wake up and smell the coffee, you fossil.
Blanche: My mistake. I thought since you looked like Yoda you were also wise.

Happy Father's Day from the Golden Girls!

Rose: I've found my father! My natural father!
Blanche: He's alive?
Dorothy: He's in Miami?
Sophia: He's an earthling?

Daily Golden Girls: 02/12/12

Blanche: I'll give you anything. I'll give you one of my sons.
Dorothy: Blanche!
Blanche: Dorothy, I've given this a lot of thought. I've had 4 kids, I've never had a Mercedes. So, which one do you want? Biff, Doug, Skippy? No, don't take Skippy, he's got asthma.

Daily Golden Girls: 02/11/12

Blanche: You know what the worst part about getting older is?
Dorothy: Your face, Rose's hands?

Daily Golden Girls: 02/10/12

Dorothy: Rose, what do you call a woman who sleeps with a man on the first date?
Blanche: A damn good sport?

Daily Golden Girls: 02/09/12

Dorothy: Blanche, are you sure you're pregnant?
Blanche: I just did a home pregnancy test - it's right here.
Rose: It looks like a perfume sample.
Dorothy: Put it behind your ears, Rose.

Daily Golden Girls: 02/08/12

[Dorothy thinks Stan and Blanche are sleeping together]

Rose: Where are you going?
Dorothy: To either get ice-cream or commit a felony. I'll decide in the car.

Daily Golden Girls: 02/07/12

Blanche: What are you doing on this elevator?

Sophia: I'm into easy listening, how the hell should I know?

Daily Golden Girls: 02/06/12

Blanche: Sophia, where're you going?
Sophia: To my room.
Rose: But you can't, it could be dangerous!
Sophia: Please, I'm 80! Bathtubs are dangerous!

Daily Golden Girls: 02/05/12

 [Talking about Blanche]

Rose: Wherever she goes, she finds a man!
Sophia: So do hookers.

Daily Golden Girls: 02/04/12

Sophia: I don't like you being taken advantage of by some guy out of town. At least when Blanche does it it's good for tourism.

Daily Golden Girls: 02/03/12

Blanche: If that were true, Rose, then that would mean you were... a slut.
Dorothy: Oh, come on, Blanche, how can you say that? So the woman had fifty-six boyfriends in one year. She's not a slut.
Rose: Thank you, Dorothy.
Dorothy: She is The Slut! She is the Grand Poobah of Slutdom! She is the easiest woman in this room!
Blanche: Dorothy Zbornak, you take that back!
Dorothy: The Slut is dead, long live The Slut!

Daily Golden Girls: 02/02/12

[discussing St. Olaf] 

Blanche: You have a museum where children go to learn about cheese?
Rose: Hey, it's better than them learning about it in the streets!

Daily Golden Girls: 02/01/12

[browsing in a bookstore]

Sophia: If you need me, I'll be in the "Bitter Children of Celebrities" section.

Daily Golden Girls: 01/31/12

Rose: I stopped in a truck stop in Georgia, and did you know they have an egg dish named after you, Blanche?
Blanche: Oh, really? How are they prepared?
Sophia: Over easy.

Daily Golden Girls: 01/30/12

Rose: Downtown? He means jail!
Dorothy: Oh really Rose, I thought he meant Neiman Marcus.
Rose: I’ve never been in jail. I won’t make it. They always prey on the weak and innocent. The others will taunt me for trying to excel at my work in the laundry. I’ll fall in with a bad crowd, whose leader looks like Ethel Merman. And I’ll be forced to engineer a daring prison break using my laundry cart. From that time on, I won’t know a moment’s peace. I’ll scar my fingerprints with battery acid and I’ll run from town to town, taking jobs that people have who got bad grades in school. And then one day, they’ll find me, holed up in a little shack in the Louisiana bayou. And a sheriff named Bull will call my name out over a megaphone and when I make a run for it he’ll riddle my body with bullets! Oh please don’t let them take me downtown! I want to live! I want to live!
Dorothy: You're not very good in a crisis are you Rose?

Daily Golden Girls: 01/29/12

Blanche: Do you know what I hate doing most after a party?
Rose: Trying to find your underwear in the big pile?

Daily Golden Girls: 01/28/12

Sophia: Dorothy, where I come from you learn never to turn your back on family! NEVER! When your crazy cousin Nunzio started living with his pet goat, did the family turn their back on him? No. And after a couple of nights neither did the goat.

Daily Golden Girls: 01/27/12

Dorothy: Ma, why do you constantly look for ways to amuse yourself at my expense?
Sophia: Because we don't have cable and I can't crochet. This is who I am Dorothy. Learn to live with it, or medicate me!

Daily Golden Girls: 01/26/12

[Dorothy, Blanche and Sophia were caught eavesdropping on Rose]

Rose: Were you three listening to our conversation?!
Dorothy: Absolutely not. You know we would never eavesdrop.
Sophia: They made me do it. When I turn my hearing-aid up to ten, I can hear a canary break wind in Lauderdale!

Daily Golden Girls: 01/25/12

Blanche: Well, Dorothy, I live by one simple rule. Share your love with people today, ‘cause they may be gone tomorrow.
Dorothy: That’s a beautiful sentiment, Blanche.
Blanche: Comes from dating a lot of traveling salesmen.

Daily Golden Girls: 01/24/12

Rose: I just got a special delivery letter from St. Olaf! Uh-oh, it's from the Department of Water and Coffee.
Dorothy: Coffee?
Rose: No thanks, it makes me jumpy.
Dorothy: Rose, what does the letter say?
Rose: You read it, Dorothy. I need both hands to cover my ears in case it's bad news.

[Rose sticks her fingers in her ears]

Dorothy: "Dear St. Olafian, I am afraid there's bad news."
Rose: What?
Dorothy: "There's a drought in St. Olaf which threatens the crops."
Rose: Oh, no! I'd better send water.
Dorothy: "Please do not send water. We have found that envelopes leak. Until the rains come, we ask that all citizens be celibate, except for Ulf the Umbrella King; he has suffered enough."

Daily Golden Girls: 01/23/12

Blanche: Now, let me get this right - dinner at your place tonight. What kind of girl do you think I am, and how could you tell so fast?

Daily Golden Girls: 01/22/12

Blanche: I think I'm actually doing a good job hiding how upset I am.
Dorothy: You mean like how you started sobbing when Clayton asked for more fruit cocktail?
Blanche: I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men.
Dorothy: You really haven't grasped the concept of this gay thing yet, have you?
Blanche: There must be homosexuals who date women.
Sophia: Yeah, they're called lesbians.

Daily Golden Girls: 01/21/12

[Rose does a mock interview on Dorothy]

Rose: Isn't it true that you have a drawer full of home retirement brochures, just waiting for the first sign of dribble on your mother's chin, to lock her away forever?
Dorothy: She's kidding.
Rose: You know, Dorothy, your sock drawer. The one you know who can't reach.
Sophia: I knew you were keeping pictures but I had no idea, you disgust me!
Dorothy: Look, I don't have to stand for this!
Sophia: Nail her, Rose! Nail her! Remember, a good reporter gets the story no matter what!
Dorothy: That sock drawer is MY business! Look, those times when Ma drives me crazy, I go in my room and have some pretend time, okay?!!
Rose: This is Rose Nylund signing off in a sad, sad situation. Thanks, Dorothy, that was fun!

Daily Golden Girls: 01/20/12

Blanche: I think I have a little more endurance than you.
Dorothy: Blanche, we are not dancing on our backs.

Daily Golden Girls: 01/19/12

[Watching I Love Lucy.]

Rose: You know, I'm still a little confused. Who exactly is Ricky?
Blanche: Lucy's husband.
Rose: I thought Desi was Lucy's husband.
Blanche: Not on the show.
Rose: Desi wasn't on the show?
Blanche: Desi played Ricky!
Rose: Who did Lucy play?
Blanche: Lucy.
Rose: I know, but who did she play?
Blanche: Lucy!
Rose: Right, but who did she play?
Blanche: Lucy played Lucy!
Rose: Well, then why didn't Desi play Desi?
Blanche: He wasn't tall enough.

Daily Golden Girls: 01/18/12

Blanche: Sophia says she has no appetite since she was stabbed in the back.
Rose: Oh my God, who stabbed Sophia?!
Dorothy: The chef at Benihana, Rose.

Daily Golden Girls: 01/17/12

Rose: I haven't been this depressed since I was rejected by Uncle Sam.
Blanche: Well honey, if he was your uncle, it wasn't meant to be. It wasn't like if he was your cousin, where the relationship might have had a future.
Dorothy: Tell me Blanche, have any of your relatives appeared in Deliverance?

Daily Golden Girls: 01/16/12

Rose: Sophia did you come to bail us out?
Dorothy: No Rose, she's dropping off a manicotti with a file in it.

Daily Golden Girls: 01/15/12

Rose: Oh, so you spent the evening at dinner!
Dorothy: No, we spent dinner at dinner. We spent the evening at a motel.
Rose: A motel?!! Dorothy! A cheap, tawdry, bare-bulbed den of iniquity?!
Dorothy: We didn't drive to Sodom and Gomorrah, Rose.

Daily Golden Girls: 01/14/12

Rose: Heaven is full of cows, chickens, horses and pigs...
Sophia: I hope Heaven has boots!

Daily Golden Girls: 01/13/12

Dorothy: Blanche, you'd have made a great psychologist.
Sophia: Way to go pussycat. Give Blanche an office with a couch and a license to charge by the hour!

Daily Golden Girls: 01/12/12

Sophia: All you ever do is talk about your sexual problems! Well, what about my sexual problem?
Dorothy: Ma, what is your sexual problem?
Sophia: I'm not getting any!

Daily Golden Girls: 01/11/12

Rose: My mother always used to say: "The older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana."

Daily Golden Girls: 01/10/12

Dorothy: Rose, do me a favor and fasten your seatbelt... over your mouth!

Daily Golden Girls: 01/09/12

Blanche: Dorothy, do you realize it has been four days since I have enjoyed the company of a man?
Dorothy: I know, Blanche. I've been marking the days off on my "Big Ships of the Navy" calendar.
Blanche: I don't think I can stand it much longer! My body feels like a Corvette up on blocks with its engine racin', the wheels just spinnin' and spinnin' with nowhere to go! I feel like I'm gonna EXPLODE! Dorothy, you have to help me, you have to do somethin'...
Dorothy: Honey, there's nothing I can do, so get that look out of your eye and let go of my hand.

Daily Golden Girls: 01/08/12

Sophia: Fine, let a dead guy lie there. It's gonna be 98 degrees today. It won't be pretty.
Dorothy: Oh, I'm sure he's not dead. Rose, go look.
Rose: Come on Dorothy, he's sleeping. I don't want to wake him.
Sophia: You could light firecrackers in his nostrils, you won't wake him.

Daily Golden Girls: 01/07/12

Dorothy: Now Ma, remember, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Sophia: I think I crossed that line when I had a date.

"I Think I'm Pregnant"

Daily Golden Girls: 01/05/12

[Speaking to Blanche]

Dorothy: I think it's nice that you're trying to quote the bible.

[Dorothy turns to Sophia]

Dorothy: The only thing that has been in more hotels than she has and she can't even remember a word of it.

Daily Golden Girls: 01/04/12

[Rose storms off the lanai]

Miles: She sure left in a hurry.
Sophia: Hey, who told her to feed me cabbage?

Daily Golden Girls: 01/03/12

Blanche: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go take a long, hot, steamy bath with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosoms.
Sophia: You're only gonna sit in an inch of water?!

Daily Golden Girls: 01/02/12

Dorothy: You'll have to excuse my mother. She survived a slight stroke which left her, if I can be frank, a complete burden.

Happy New Year from the Golden Girls!

Dorothy: Oh c'mon, Blanche. Age is just a state of mind.
Blanche: Tell that to my thighs.